Holiday Greetings - December, 2000
[Parody of 2000 Presidential Election Mess...]
Dear Family and Friends:
Well, in the midst of this presidential fracas, confusion and indecision are creeping into our daily lives at every opportunity. To start with, many of you are likely confused that you received the Aney Christmas letter prior to the December 25th cutoff date. Skeptics are tainting this accomplishment with allegations that the letter was not properly postmarked and notarized and because of this, they motion that all Aney holiday letters be thrown out. Further, there were not enough stamps for all the cards so....you guessed it.... a manual recount of all family and friends was ordered. After the recount, it was declared that the Aney’s have the required 270 family and friends and they were ordered to take all measures within their discretionary powers to strengthen and renew bonds with these people.
Speaking of manual recounts, Karen is a ‘pregnant chad’ no more. On April 3, 2000, a manual recount of the Aney family turned up an extra kid! The prior total of 2 has been revised to 3. Nicholas Michael Aney was certified 7 days before the deadline imposed by Mayo. Democrats lament that, had he been born the previous week, he would have been born in.....Miami-Dade County (not a joke!). It was reported that Karen did not let a little thing like labor prevent her from giving a lecture to medical students earlier in the day. The only problem was that a small percentage of the class claimed they were confused by the butterfly outline she used and they are pressing to have a new lecture. However, this appeal was abandoned because Karen cleverly embarked a six-month maternity leave - which was upheld by Mayo officials.
Early in those six months, it was leaked by an anonymous, but well-placed source that Katie thought "Three kids is too much for one Mommy." However, Karen showed her strength as a ‘Uniter not a Divider’ as she and Nicholas developed into best buds and at the same time, reached across party lines to unite Nicholas, Katie, and Jessie into one happy bunch of ‘dimpled chads’. All will attest to the success of this most important initiative.
Tom and Karen were to inaugurate their newly built house on April 1, 2000. However, given that final family counts were not available until April 3rd as explained above, the transition was somewhat rushed and compromised. Furthermore, since a certain contractor was unable build a proper retaining wall, Tom headed up an effort remove the incumbent wall and then construct a massive new retaining wall - without support from the contractor. Said Tom, “It would be irresponsible of me not to build this wall, so I will proceed, drawing from other sources.” He went on to say, “Further, it is not about whether or not this wall gets built, but this is such a great intellectual opportunity for me to study HOW to build a retaining wall and drive a Bobcat.”
Jessica held a press conference to announce that she is now 2 ½ and (a) will no longer be wearing diapers; (b) will dress herself [even if it takes 2 hours]; and (c) will no longer sleep in her ‘toddler’ bed because she not a toddler anymore. [Editor’s note – Jessica has been protesting her ‘toddler’ bed by sleeping in a sleeping bag on her floor.] She has made it clear that these three conditions are non-negotiable. Sources close to Tom and Karen say they are willing to accept (a), but feel that conditions (b) and (c) are somewhat unreasonable and they may seek an injunction.
Swimming remains one of Katie's favorite activities. She is still an active participant in the Rochester Swim School. Recently, her 'graduation' to the "M" level was ‘contested’ as she was assumed to be in the wrong class because the rest of the students were 6-8 inches taller. An immediate appeal was filed and upheld, clarifying that indeed she was a legitimate graduate, notwithstanding her height and age disadvantage.
In September, the Aney Canvassing Board took a break, traveling to New York to attend the US Open Tennis tournament. They left their dimpled chads with Grandma and Grandpa for four days while enjoying the tennis and glamour of New York City. However, investigations are underway, as Tom is accused of attempting to spin the get-away as a ‘business trip’ for PricewaterhouseCoopers. Early investigation shows a pattern of abuses related to business travel by Tom where witnesses have routinely seen Tom traveling to New Jersey for ‘business’…. with his hockey stick. Tom’s boss in Teaneck, NJ denied any irregularities, saying “Of course it was business. Tom is critical to our success in the playoffs, um, I mean business meetings.”
In closing, we feel that everyone’s holiday wishes must be respected - whether Democrat, Republican, overseas military personnel, or even Canadian. Therefore, we request that you vote for your own holiday wish. If you refrain from voting, we will hold your ballot up to the light and use a 10x magnifying glass to divine your holiday wish, as we do not want to disenfranchise any of you during this joyous season.
Happy Holidays and have a great 2001!
-Tom, Karen, Katie, Jessie, and Nick