If you don't know who Royce Gracie is, then you don't know the 'baddest' man on the planet in my opinion :). Well sometimes, I think Audrey has figured out how to use my DVR remote and has been watching my taped shows of The Ultimate Fighter learning 'self defense' along the way. Why do I say this? Well besides her intimidating stare-down pose to the right, let me tell you about our daily 'sparing sessions'.

It all starts after bath time. If Ann was the one in the tub that night with the kids, then I am the one getting her out of tub and ready for bed (vice versa if I'm in tub). It all starts out nice and Audrey is all smiles during 'pre-fight' while we towel off in the bathroom before heading back to her bedroom A.K.A. 'The Octagon'. As we walk in, Audrey immediately gets this 'stern' look on her face, her 'fighter stare' as I call it, as we walk toward the changing table. As if thinking to herself, "Are we really going to go through this again?" as she plans out her defensive strategies in an attempt to prevent me from a) putting A & D on her tush, b) rubbing lotion on her, c) putting her diaper on, and d) putting on her gi...er pajamas. I swear she knows exactly what is going to happen each night and has thought out the most effective defense to every possible objective I have.

Round 1: A & D Defense

As soon as I lay Audrey on her table, she immediately goes into 'rolling defense'. You'd think she'd gotten her training from some world class wrestler as she constantly struggles to keep rolling out from under my control, reaching one arm and shoulder up in unison for the sky and then the other, as if she thinks I am trying to pin her for the three count or something. Straining with every muscle in her body, she contorts her upper torso back and forth trying to rollover on her stomach. To put the A & D on, I obviously have to lift her legs and butt into the air so that I can complete phase one of this contest, but given that one of my hands has the A & D on my finger, that hand is basically 'not available' to launch an 'offensive' against Audrey, so I have to be careful. If I let my guard down, and happen to be lifting up on the wrong leg, the leg that is on the same half of her body as the arm/shoulder that are desperately reaching for the sky, Audrey will seize the moment and immediately uncoil like a wound up spring and be on her tummy in a flash, with a satisfactory smile emerging on her face at the same time. It's only round one of this match, but Audrey's defensive skills are already frustrating and tiring out Dad.

Round 2: Burt's Bees Buttermilk Battle

After a narrow victory in round one, round two starts with me putting on lotion. Wait, let me restate that. It starts with me attempting to put on lotion. As I squirt the lotion in my hands in preperation, Audrey starts her 'intimidation routine' - she lifts her feet and legs up towards the ceiling and SLAMS them down on the changing table repeatedly as if she was a bull kicking up dirt with her hooves. Instead of trying to use her effective rolling defense (since that would allow me to lotion up her back and butt with ease) she chooses to use more of a 'grapling defense'. I usually try to take all the lotion I've squirted in my hand and ration it out on her body before actually rubbing it in...putting some on each leg, majority on her belly, some on each shoulder, then using what I have left in my hands to rub into her face and neck.

As I start, Audrey's variety of grapling moves reminds me of when I used to watch Royce execute his Jiu-Jitsu moves on people. As I said, I put the first portion of the lotion on Audrey's legs. She responds by kicking them wildly in an attempt to avoid my hands. This part I usually 'win' with ease. I then move to put some lotion on her belly and she immediately locks her legs around my arm, and grabs my hand with both her hands. It looks as if this 15 pound fighter is trying to 'submit' me by applying an arm bar. She wiggles, squeezes, cinches up her legs, and scowls at me as I struggle to attempt to free my hand while still keeping some of the lotion on it to apply to her shoulders and face. I usually 'escape' the submission hold with a little lotion on my hand. I quickly brush each shoulder leaving some lotion there for later use, then move to her face and neck. As I start to rub her cheeks, she frantically grabs my hands/wrists with her hands desperately trying to pull them off her face. She even resorts to trying to bite my fingers...what a dirty fighter! Then she puts her chin down to her chest to make sure I can't get at her neck, showing exellent defense against a rear naked choke submission. Yes she is naked, but no I'm not trying to choke her to sleep, although sometimes I wonder if that might be easier ;)

As I finish up her neck, I move to her arms. She instantly makes fists to make sure it's difficult for me to apply lotion to her hands. At the same time, she's brought her arms to her chest in an attempt to prevent me from rubbing on the underside of each of her arms. It's like prying open a vice to get her arms away from her body, all the while she's frantically wrapping her legs around which ever one of my arms comes within proximity of her legs A.K.A. her second set of arms. I mean come on, she's got as much flexibility and dexterity in her legs and feet as I've got in my arms and hands. It's an unfair advantage...I'm fighting a mutant!

I'll call this round a Draw as I'm too tired to deal with lotioning up her back.

Round 3: Huggies Hostility

After the first two rounds, now my hands and Audrey are both all 'greased' up from the lotion. She know's she has the advantage in this round. It would be easier for me to get two hot knifes and try to pick up a pound of butter with them than trying to keep a grip on Audrey. As I try to lift her up to put the diaper under her butt, she squirms and wiggles, pulls out the 'rolling defense' when appropriate, basically just makes it harder than hell for me to get the diaper under her in the right spot. The round goes like this...I lift her up, she 'defends', and I set her down 'almost' in the right spot for the diaper. As I reach for the diaper to adjust it to where it needs to be, she simultaneously starts scooting backwards off the diaper or kicks the diaper forward depending on her position on the mat...er changing table. After four or five attempts I finally get it in a position that is 'acceptable'. I fasten one side of the diaper while fighting off an arm bar attempt from Audrey. As I go for the other side of the diaper, she RIPS of the fastened side of the diaper with a lightening quick motion that only looked like a blur to me. I have to resort to the dirty moves now. I move in for the tickle torture (but only as a last resort). I start tickling her armpits and neck until she is intent on defending them and I quickly go in and finish off the diaper.

Another victory for Dad.

Round 4: PJ Push-n-Pull

Now we are entering Audrey's most dominant round. I have to make sure to be on my 'A Game' when I start this round because I have to be fast, I have to be precise, I have to be cunning, and I have to be strong! As I attempt to put Audrey's PJs (the big one piece ones with footies) on, for every single position I'm trying to put her in, she knows the exact opposite. I start with the feet. As I grab her leg to put it in the leg/foot hole of the PJs she straightens her body out as if rigamortis has set into her body. It is so stiff, I feel like I'm going to snap her leg when trying to bend it to get it into the hole. Once I finally get it into the hole, if she'd straighen out again, it'd pop right into the leg, but no. Now she keeps them bent and loose. Starts kicking, bouncing her butt/pelvis, and scooting backwards trying to get out of the PJs. We go back and forth for a bit, but the legs are usually pretty easy.

I move up to the arms, and again she does the rigamortis defense while I try to get her arms in the holes, but given that half of her PJs are already on, it makes it much harder to manipulate. Fighting through Audrey's wrestling defense (lifting shoulder/arm towards the ceiling), I finally bend the 2x4's that used to be her arms and get one of her hands in a sleeve. Once again, Audrey does the exact opposite of what would be helpful. As if Audrey bending her arm and clincing it to her chest like a vice wasn't bad enough, when I try to get her arm through the sleeve, she's also opened up her hands as far as her fingers will go. So it's like pulling a completely swallowed barbed, three prong hook from the stomach of fish - yanking its guts out purely from force. Of course I have to be a little more gentle with my fish...er, fighter...er, daughter as I don't want Social Services busting down my door for me busting Audrey's fingers while pulling the sleeve over her hand. And that was just one arm!

I battle my way through the other arm and by now, Audrey's kicked out one of her legs from the PJs while she had me distracted with her arms. I go back to my tickle torture to distract her for a minute and force the leg back in and zip up her PJs. The war is over and Dad is declared victor again!

I grab Audrey off the mat and start to walk out of her room with her. She's a total sportswoman as she now hugs me and smiles, holding no grudges against me for our heated battle...she know's she gets a rematch tomorrow night!